Brexit – The Empire Strikes Back

So Britain voted to leave the European Union and push the country back 30 years in time, leaving the annexed kingdom of Alba and the province of Ulster to consider leaving the No-Longer-So-United Kingdom, now that it has become apparent that after losing most of the commonwealth, they have been utterly unable to even come up with a plan on how to deal with a possibility of having to break up with the EU.

We get it. Breaking up is hard and even after decades of rows, disagreement and taking financial advantage (yes, that’s you, Britain – we noticed we were paying for the drinks. Every. Single. Time.) But the break-up is happening and you called for it, even if you didn’t plan for it and are, as a result, not quite moving out. Yet.

At least Angela is calling your bluff and refuses to grant you make-up sex, just because you’re threatening to leave. You know where the door is. But the thing is: we still care. Not enough to want you and your emotional abuse of our generosity to stay, but we’d like you back on your feet. So, maybe it’s time for a plan.

The thing about history is that you learn from it, so regardless of our opinion concerning the baseless bigotry that so infects you like a cancer and makes you drive off everyone you love, we’ll help you deal with it. First off, you need a sound financial plan. As the Grand Strategist Adolph already knew: you need to have people unhappy enough to be ready to blame someone, but not unhappy enough that they’re no longer able, or willing, to pay for the cost of bigotry. As well you know from the more Imperial days: violence can only do so much as a form of control.

The first thing you want to do is get your finances under control. Yes, you’re in a rut and your ex is going to take most of what’s available in the divorce – but think about your spending. Do you really need to import that many subtly-flavored leaves to put in hot water? Is there an absolute need to have night-shift workers in a former colony answer the helpdesk phones or could your army of unemployed in marginal constituencies not do the same job as a couple of underpaid Indian call center blokes? Does it really matter which type of unintelligible accent you get when you’re on the line with someone who doesn’t know what you’re talking about anyway?

So you need to control that spending. Have, like, overwatch units put in place to approve of the necessity of imports. That way you get to control the trade balance better, even now that export is going to be on an all-time low for the foreseeable future.

And then there’s the bigotry and the increasing intimidation of foreigners and ethnic minorities. Right now they are factors of uncertainty – out of control and unpredictable. But you can harvest these feelings and use them! Simply organize. What if, say, you got the right channels in place to make sure that Crystal Night 2016 doesn’t just turn out to be a random rabble mess, but an organized event. Less chaos, more structure.

Of course, once this happens, there has to be some sort of signal from the government appealing to the feelings of unhappiness among the native majority of the British Continent. Control, not chaos. So if there’s going to be a system of first and second class citizens, at least make it fair for every first and second class citizen: clear rules and clear communication. That way everybody knows what’s expected of them. And you want everybody else to know what they can expect from their fellow citizens, so introduce a clear system to identify classes.

You may find that this is not enough to appease the angered, neglected population and that they want more living room. One way to give that to them is to make sure your second class citizens don’t take up too much space that should, of course, be reserved for the first class British. Who are we kidding? You know how to do that in the finest of British traditions! However, might we suggest a slightly alternative course of action? In the past, Britain focused on converting the population of ‘borrowed territory’ to adopt the way of the British. This has clearly been an ineffective use of resources – whereas some elements of the British culture linger in this post-colonial era, this strategy has never been a complete success. Much more successful might be a strategy like the deportations of the early 19th century: removing unwanted elements from the Isle. You might start gathering them up in the rural parts of Northern Ireland: it’s the economically sound decision, as they already have plenty of barbed wire there available for re-use. Also, as an added advantage, when they do decide to split from the UK, your unwanted citizens will become their problem.

Now, a key element in all this is presenting it in a manner that seems both semi-reasonable and appeals to your angry, frustrated citizens as decisive, action-taking and problem solving. The problem is, of course, anything that frustrates your angry supporters. The cause is the minority you’re targeting or some higher power that you’re standing up against. Always. So make sure that you have a narrative ready: you want to present the problem first, then point out the cause of that problem and then bring an end-solution to the table. I think we can leave the details of that end-solution up to your imagination.

Typically, that should do the trick, but just in case – unfathomably – your angry supporters are still not satisfied with the results of your relentless campaign of trying to undo the wrongs done to them while they were being unfairly treated over the minority you’re targeting, there’s always one more option: the Total War.

Now, this requires planning. If you want to go to those lengths, be prepared: wars are costly and get you into trouble, you know that, but a Total War is much more of a stretch than simply invading Iraq under false pretences. You want your army in top shape and funded like hell, you want your minor constituencies producing war-vehicles years before the fact. And most of all: you want your generation of young men to be plenty. Maybe include young women as well to avoid calls over sexism. So promote motherhood about 15 years before you actually go to war. Make sure you have the resources, the people and the right mindset. That way, you, Britain, can take back control of your country. We wish you the best in becoming independent.